caught red handed

Gah! I am a criminal in my own bank! They have sophisticated ways of getting to you these days. Here I am, innocently trying to book something online when it tells me I need a securecode. A securewhat?! I put in the detaiils it asks me but it refuses to grant me a secure code. I call up the bank. He asks me some questions. Name, date of birth. First and fourth number of my internet bank code. I don't know, I never usually call you up! What are the 9 numbers at the bottom of the card? This is not going well. My mouth gets dry. I don't have the card on me! Its at home! All I have are the usual numbers I need to get stuff from amazon!So stupid! I panic and hang up the phone acting like anyone who's stolen the card details might.

Later, I call them back with my card in my hand. But its too late. My account has RED ALERT written all over it. They won't let me do anything over the phone and are in the process of dispatching a SECURITY PACK to my house. The man on his headset is from yorkshire and I don't like the way he's pronouncing my name. It's going to take a few good weeks to get the pack here and back and get me a securecode. Darn it! Cutting internet shopping privileges...why, that's behaviour worthy of THE EXPERIMENT!

while you go about your daily life, its always there lurking behind a corner...

I had a good chat today with one of my readers who was going through the archives and came across the one about THE EXPERIMENT. A manager was standing in the cube just then which is ALSO PART OF THE EXPERIMENT. So I sat and listened to him tell me how suddenly the clouds parted, the sun shone through, and it all became clear to him. He likened the experience to the level of nirvana he achieved watching the Matrix. Holy compliments, Batman! Glad to help.
I experienced THE EXPERIMENT firsthand this morning. I tell you, some people I interact with are either victims of the experiment, or perpetrators. Or could well be both!

Here are some other facets of THE EXPERIMENT that I have identified recently:

• Put walnuts in the chocolate cookies and insist that they ALWAYS had walnuts in there.
• My mouse now makes a distinctive deep plastic click when I click.
• Tell me I have a new dotted boss
• Tell me unofficially that I have to justify my job for the next year (mention out-sourcing)
• Tell me not to tell anyone (no worries, just the whole internet)
• Tell me you are thinking XML is great for my cv and that's about it
• Take away my right to print in color for the 3rd or 4th time in as many months.
• Set up an employee event and as usual block my access to sign up. Let me in on the 50th attempt only to reveal that the event involves paying to clean up a beach.
  

from the camera phone

HaYarkon River by night, January 2009

it's good to talk

Last week I was in no mood to post here. It was a hard week and I had the yuppie disease for oh at least 3 days of it. I was struck quite hard and did a lot of sleeping. I think I might still have it, at least during office hours. You try staying awake for more than 5 minutes straight and see how you fare. It was a depressing week in THE EXPERIMENT, with firings and ch-ch-changes in the air. I think the only time I really laughed was having an instant messenger conversation on Tuesday applauding the genius of the name STIFFROD.
Having said that, the week was not a total write off, and we did manage to get the ball rolling on 2 projects for this year. And I got to do what I enjoy the most in the world…connect with people. Very British Telecom and Nokia, I know. After last week where two family members declared they never want to see us ever again, things turned around and I managed to meet up with an old friend, develop a relatively new friendship, meet up with a bunch of old friends over delicious food!, speak with a few other mothers from the kindergarten and bond, AND the husband cooked a lovely dinner for our friends.
I love connecting with people. There's nothing finer in life than sitting down with someone and really feeling that you're on the same page as them. It is so liberating to feel validated. Smiles and laughter abound and you feel loved and appreciated. Life is good.
We also went to another birthday party with TimTam. Could any clown possibly be cuter? He gave us his new dvd containing a free poster. I managed to nab that before the kids saw! The poster is now in its new home under my pillow. I hug the poster tight in bed all night long. Not sure who's going to watch the dvd more; the kids, or myself…

so outta here

Somebody big left last week (voluntarily) (we think). There is a certain etiquette in leaving that is often not observed by leavers. Here's what you should do if you are leaving your place of work:

1. Money collection. You want to leave with a good present. The present is going to be the trophy of your time at the company so if you get something you're not into, its going to mean you had a bad employment experience. Make sure you get somebody good to collect your money. Ideally, someone who liked you, and is dedicated to the cause (i.e. will send out 2 if not 3 email reminders—maybe even walk around the office with a chink-chink of change, will tell people who ask what the "going rate" is the highest amount given, and most importantly who will ask you what you want). Don't be wishy washy about what you want. Aim high.
   
2. Drink. Schedule a half hour. Nobody is going to diss off work for an hour for you. You're outta here. Timing is important: a 10.30 am late breakfast on the day you leave is optimal. The drink is more than a drink. It's your way of saying: this is who I am and why you're going to miss me. That's why serving dark chocolate cake and strawberries looks good. And why serving in-house catering looks nasty. Extra brownie points for homemade stuff.
3. Speech. Hopefully you've had good bosses who will give you a good speech. If not, they might drone on forever about the company and then give you some formula of thanks for all your hard work. Avoid making everyone in the room say something about you. Not a good look. Then it's your turn. Almost every speech I hear inspires me to mentally start writing my own. Mine has changed over the years, but it would have been so great to leave about 100 times and used every draft. Most people give the saccharin speech: I've learnt so much from all of you, this is a really great place to work. BARF! Two great speeches I've attended stand out in my mind. One chap gave his guidelines for getting by in the workplace, eg. smile at everyone (and mean it!) and sing out loud. The other girl gave a list of things from THE EXPERIMENT that had prompted her decision to leave. EG. "They took away the swap shop--I'm leaving!" "They took away my room--I'm leaving!" We were all pissing ourselves!
   
4. Final email. This tool is often used in place of the drink by people who got fired. It tends to be a soppy "farewell, my friends" email. It is also used by people leaving of their own accord as a here are my new contact details email. Only the best ones will contain phrases like "great springboard to world domination", "leaving to pursue my dream as a (well-known airline) pilot", references to Elton John, and "I won't miss you. Die, suckers!"

there's an elephant in my blogroom too, but I keep stubbing my toe on it

In our company we have a library that serves the company. I've been there for 5.5 years and never needed the library. When it moved location, they did a grand reopening. I hear 4 people turned up, and 2 of them work in the library.

Slash slash slash!

The sound of layoffs is in the air. 30 people go home. Your friends. Your colleagues. Good people. Long-serving people. Management are huddled in the conference room with the good chairs. They've gone past the fat and are cutting the meat. Groups of two and three have "corridor conversations". Meetings are entitled "updates". Everyone looks grave (except for some people who must work for finance who still find the mood to play ping pong). Why this one and not that one? Why me and not them? How much longer do I have? My boss advises us to keep our powder dry. I'm not sure if he means gun powder or foot powder because the advice follows a story about his nephew the soldier who was holed up in Gaza and didn't change his socks for 12 days.

The library is still safe. They say that the librarians will be the ones to lock the front door after we all leave.

at my desk...all the pencils are sharp

There comes a time in my job, once or twice a year, where the projects dry up and you slowly find yourself s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out everything you need to do, doing the admin work you never usually have time for (backing up all of your files, for example), and wondering how you are going to fill in the next 8.5 hours on the clock.

Nobody likes to not work. Especially when they are being paid to work. Especially when management is casting for a new line up on soon-to-be-ex-employees. A time when being caught chatting on facebook is not a good look. A time when it simply isn't wise to run up to your boss with your tongue flapping asking for some new projects. This will certainly get you on the list. You have to appear to be so busy that you are indispensible. At least for this round (at the current rate, firing rounds are every 3 months, next one rumoured for next week).

Right now I am busy on squat diddly. I've made a to do list and realised I have 2 open cases and both those are dependant on other people pulling their finger out. I've archived all my jobs from the last 6 months. (Apart from 2 projects that were shelved and one that I can't find but think it was a document they gave to a non writer and it begins "In 1929…") and I've muda'd my desk. (A few years ago we had a tidy up the office drive and called it muda. Its supposed to be Japanese.)

I even wrote to support to see if they fancied making up a user tip which is usually something they bug me to do when I have no time.
- Do you have some tips or something for me to do??
- Not really, But I can scrape something together , why?
- Bored.
- Shhhhuush Not so loud. I have some very angry turks writing us letter, but a bit sensitive. Very funny probably to someone from outside support.
- Give me whatever you have and regale me with tales of anything interesting.
- No.
- pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease
[no response]

Oh well, back to facebook. No change in the last 5 minutes. It's obviously all part of THE EXPERIMENT.