le vent

This morning I was late into work. We’ve already discussed my fondness for being just plain lazy, so I am sure you can appreciate that when the alarm goes off every molecule in my body presses itself with all its might as far downwards as it can go, ensuring that the gravity on my body is about 300 times the strength of normal gravity, rendering me unable to get up.

My good friend from the third floor and I, we go way back as early morning arrivers. We aim for 6. She usually makes it. I usually don’t (not in the winter anyway). Its not because we hold a masochistic bone in our bodies. It’s not because we love our jobs THAT MUCH. It’s because we have a condition. It’s called FEAR OF TRAFFIC.

Its not that we are frightened of the lunatics on the road, although there are certainly enough of those about. The statistics in Israel have road accident deaths higher than the numbers killed in wars. The number of times I have had a near-death-experience because of a dumbass is uncountable. Well, it’s probably once that I came REALLY near to death. All other times I would have merely enjoyed a nice prolonged stay in the hospital. But no, its not really because of that at all. Its because we can't stand getting stuck behind some slow mofu or being second at the lights. My girl and me, we like to drive fast!

Another advantage of getting in early to work is that the parking lot is god’s chocolate box and you get first pick! I don’t even have to be awake to throw a swing to the left, a swing to the right and then ta-da! I am in the perfect spot with my head pointing the right way, close to the lifts and yet first row for minimal fuss at getting out again at the end of the day. It totally rocks. But come in a bit later and…you forfeit the right to a good spot.

So this morning, I was only a little late, but most of the drive-in good spots had already been taken. As luck would have it, my regular spot was free! I couldn’t drive in in the normal way because I had already gone down the lane that would get me in from the other side, and besides, some dork had parked his car in the spot to the rear. So, I started to position myself for a reverse-in maneuver which is not easy when you have posts directly opposite the spot. That was when I noticed I had an audience. There, off to my right, was a lurking car. Stopped. Engine running. Dark figure at the wheel. I am not a champion parker but if there’s one thing that will definitely throw off my game it’s an audience. So in order to get a better angle and to let the lurker pass, I pulled into the disabled spot diagonally opposite the target.

I could see him thinking “stupid woman driver” as he lurks past. But then he stops just past the target spot. WTF? There are no more spots around here! Very strange. As I start to reverse towards my target, I see that he is also attempting to reverse in a 90° angle into MY TARGET SPOT! WTF!!!! I stop and I hand gesture to him that I am going in that spot. He vvvvvmms down his passenger window. “What?” he asks me oh-so-innocently.

SHEESH!

I shouted that it was really not nice, not nice at all. But he didn’t think so and continued reversing. Asshole.

I decided to cut my losses. After all, we get paid from the time we clock in, not from the time we spend fighting over a parking spot in the car park. Not to mention that such childish behaviour is way below the likes of me! So I went around, got another spot (further away from the lifts, but still front row). Even with the extra 10 metres I made it into the lifts before him because by this time he had complicated his parking what with his 90° attempt and the opposite posts. Stupid man driver.

His smelly car was still in MY spot when I left for the day and so I scrawled YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE in big lipstick letters on his windscreen and haven't stopped feeling good about it since.