Israel 60, Me 10

Top Ten things you get used to. Surprisingly quickly:

10. Having your car/bag checked at every canyon, coffee shop, shop you enter

9. The fact that you live in a warzone.

8. Wearing long trousers all year round.

7. Palm trees on central reservations

6. Living near the beach.

5. Abundance of coffee shops.

4. The crazy driving

3. Casual dress at work

2. Thinking in shekels

1. Tea without milk

Top Ten things you never quite get used to:

10. Men who think underwear is appropriate beach attire.

9. Jeans at weddings.

8. Tipping as a matter of course

7. Gazith’s clown shoes that never go out of fashion. Like, EVER.

6. Camel toes.

5. Your mother in law cleaning your house and putting your things where she thinks you should have them. No, really.

4. Sufganiot*. They are just…not right. Roll with the donuts, people!

3. A good night out starting at 1am that you’ve prepared for by going to sleep first.

2. People who stop their car in flowing traffic and just wait there (to get out money, buy a box of cigarettes, get a falaffal) REGARDLESS THAT THEY ARE BLOCKING A LANE AND PISSING EVERYONE THE HELL OFF.

1. The use of the term “Immaleh!”*

Top ten foods:

10. Sabich*

9. Shnitzel* (Café Noir)

8. Falafal*

7. Beigels

6. Hallah*

5. Laffa*

4. Crembo*

3. Schwarma*

2. Latkes*

1. Shakshuka*

Top ten things that got here after me:

10. The tallest tower in Ramat Gan. I used to watch it go up a floor at a time on the bus on the way to Ulpan. The summit of the tower was when Yoav took Sharon there on his date. Zzzz zzzz zzzz we know, we’ve heard this one so many times.

9. The coffee bean. G-d knows what we did before!

8. The glilot bridge.

7. Most of Herzilya Pituach

6. Cinema City

5. Kvish 6

4. That ghastly bridge at the mouth of Jerusalem

3. Arena Mall

2. Sea and Sun

1. Most of Tel Aviv’s high-rises

Top ten things that left before me:

10. Dunkin Donuts

9. Starbucks

8. Availability of Pilsbury cookie dough.

7. Gush Katif

6. Arafat

5. Next

4. Marks and Spencers

3. HaMashbir

2. Bar Raphaely

1. Couldn't you tell I was struggling at "hamashbir"??

Top ten TV shows watched while here:

10. Melrose Place

9. Khi Oti Sharon

8. LeHayay LeAhava

7. HaAlufa

6. Telenovella Bam

5. Prison Break

4. Super Nenny

3. Fear Factor

2. Air Crash Investigation and Seconds from Disaster

1. America’s Next Top Model

Top ten best words and phrases:

10. Malafufon*

9. Be Tachat Sheli*

8. Leave me in your mother (in your mother! for short)

7. On the face

6. Coss Imma Ars*

5. Yesh Li Jaanana BeRosh*

4. Yalla*. And Yalla BeKef*.

3. Yo aradi*

2. Sababa*

1. Afuch Gadol Ble Ketsef*

Top ten Israeliisms:

10. I’ve got to watch the news. On every channel. Until they stop talking about it.

9. I do not want to be a fryer*. Therefore I make you the fryer.

8. You’re doing that wrong (regarding anything you’re doing to your child)

7. Everyone in France hates us.

6. Everyone in Britain hates us.

5. You have the shitest food in England. Have you tried Yorkshire pudding? Have you, have you?

4. I arrive last in the queue but I am the first to alight

3. I was here earlier…I left to do my supermarket shopping but now it is definitely my turn

2. I wear my underpants and play matkot on the beach

1. Shaved heads

Top ten people who left me here, you bastards:

10. + 9. Vanessa and Adam

8. + 7. Sam and Moti

6. + 5. Keren and Eran

4. + 3. Sigalit and Hans

2. + 1. Lorna and Ilan

0. + -1.Maya and Sagi

Top ten life-changing events:

10. Wedding #1.

9. Swiss fatal car accident robbing us of Esti.

8. Conversion to Judaism

7. Getting Mojo.

6. Becoming an Israeli Citizen

5. Wedding #2.

4. Pregnancy.

3. TWINS!

2. Getting rid of Mojo.

1. America’s Next Top Model

Top ten lessons learned:

10. To not eat gefilte fish* or kubeh*

9. To have a cleaner do everything house-related

8. To send your laundry out

7. To use a horn when driving

6. To not stand in line

5. To be assertive

4. To not apologise

3. To complain about service

2. Everything is negotiable

1. Sometimes its fun to scream and use foul language at total strangers

Top ten things I still miss:

10. Salt and vinegar crisps

9. Cadburys

8. The smell of a muddy walk

7. Shopping

6. Majestic oak trees

5. Going for a drink after work

4. Calling each other “mate”

3. Bookshops

2. Reasonably priced magazines

1. Presence of a sophisticated sense of humour

Top ten Eateries:

10. Kyoto

9. Sebastian

8. Ad Haetzem

7. Edna

6. The Sabich man of Givatayim

5. The Brasserie

4. Comme Il Faut

3. Benedict

2. Dr Shakshuka

1. Tal Bagels

Top ten Israeli songs:

10. Gagoiim le hibokim hamim

9. Ten Et Hacavod Le-Tzahal

8. Al tishkach lismoach gam be-helki

7. Yesh li hom gavoa paamiim beshavua yesh li love boy!

6. Tikfotz betoch ha-mayim, tiftach et ha-enayim, ad she ze ichav leacha *kzat*

5. Don Kishot

4. Al tedebri al arik

3. Yachad lev al lev

2. Hallelujah, LeOlam

1. Idan Rykiel stuff

Top ten (famous) Israelis:

10. Yehuda Levi hot

9. Ofer Shechter

8. Yael Bar Zohar for distracting my husband long enough to leave me locked in the car with two sleeping kids and no air-conditioning

7. Ariel Sharon only because he inspired Hay-Hay!

6. Asi Cohen hot

5. Nero Levy

4. Aviv Gefen for following me around Tel aviv shoeless

3. Yehuda Poliker

2. Sharon for moving into my neighbourhood and then giving me “yes yes, it’s ME, SHARON, take ME” looks when I see her at 7am in the makolet and think “damn, you look familiar”

1. Tzabar Gadish

Top ten people who stayed in touch IN NO ORDER!!:

7. Nicola

6. Clare

5. Clare

4. Clara

3. Kathryn

2. Jo

1. Heidrun

Top ten places I love:

10. Hamat Geder

9. Rosh Pina

8. Tsfat

7. Khan Beerotayim

6. Nemal Tel Aviv

5. My apartment

4. Hof HaTzuk (Marcaz)/Mandarin/Hooker Beach

3. Arsuf

2. Edna’s, Jerusalem

1. Tel Aviv

* sufganiot = dough with a jam hole

* Immaleh! = exclamation meaning "My dear mother!"

* sabich = deep fried slices of aubergine

* shnitzel = chicken breast, beaten to within a mm of its life, egged, breaded, and fried

* falafal = fried

* hallah = special bread for shabbat (saturday)

* laffa = a brick of a sandwich, unfinishable, incorporating a huge round pita rolled around schwarma, chopped salads, chips, hummus, tehina and anything else the street vendor can get his hands on

* crembo = think yorkshire tea cakes

* schwarma = think donner kebab

* latkes = think hash brown

* shakshuka = eggs poached in a tomato sauce

* malafufon = cucumber

* be tachat sheli = in my butt

* Coss Imma Ars = something about your mother's pussy

* Yesh li jaanana berosh = I have a cockroach running around my brain (or brain cavity)

* yalla = come on! (arabic)

* yalla bekef = come on! in a nice way

* Yo aradi = exclamation for oh. my. god.

* sababa = cool

* afuch gadol bli ketsef = large milky coffee without foam

* fryer = a person who everyone else takes advantage of

* gefilte fish = cold ball made of fishy bits, usually served with a cold slice of boiled carrot on top

* kubeh = not sure. another ball, usually hot in an identified red sauce