Murray retires, 3 get fired and 4 other people quit

30 October

Today I:

• No. of seconds it took to find "כ" on the keyboard: 12.
• OK, you explain it to me. We have a website that lists all of our books. But some are listed as NOT FOR SALE. NOT IN OUR INVENTORY. SO WHY ARE THEY ON THE SITE?? And others, like books that were repurposed for paper chains for our succah and had a life span for 3 hours, books which mummy promised and promised to replace straightaway—they are only available in puzzle book format. AND IT TAKES NO IMAGINATION TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO PUZZLE BOOKS IN THE SAME ROOM AS 4 YR OLD TWINS! (Not to mention, limited future repurposing possibilities).
• When I was 3, 4, and 5 years old I went to a school in Farnham, Surrey. My formative years at this school were marked by 3 traumatic events: 1. people stuffing lego into my pants (Surrey definition), 2. Some girl falling off the top of the climbing frame, and 3. failing my grade 1 ballet because the floor was wet and I slipped (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).
  What I did not appreciate at the time was the grooviness of one elderly spinster teacher who had us dancing (in a ring!) to Brown Girl in the Ring Tra La La La La and singing Mary's Boy Child at the Christmas concert. Mrs Fuller, you are undoubtedly dead now, but I salute you for giving me exceedingly cool memories to a Boney M soundtrack. There is no question in my mind that these selfless acts contributed to sowing the early seeds of a cool life.
• If you wait for 20 years. If a schmuck works in your open plan office. If that schmuck whistles. Only then, at that PRECISE MOMENT, do you think to yourself "Ahhhh. Now I get it". Guidlford High School Girls do NOT whistle. Because a whistling schmuck can irritate the bejesus out of you.
• Oh no you didn't: send an email to the whole department asking where your tripod is. If you can't find it…then you just aren't that well endowed!

Look what the tide dragged in

Highlights of a public service announcement

Subject: some do's and A Don't for Scared Dogs due to Thunder .
(you can't mke this stuff up!)
A- When the Thunders claps , say "wow" Snowy did you hear that . Clap your hands too then give him a treat . Don't over-do it or everytime he hears a noise he will look for the treat .
B-If you have Lady & The Tramp put it in and share a bowl of popcorn with Tasha in bed (no just kidding).
D-If you have an old T-Shirt(a yankee one will do) that will fit tightly on their chest . Put it on them.

guys who drink kahlua and cream are not power guys honey

29 October

Today I:

• There should be a theme tune to "the rumours, they're a-flying"…
• Its looking good. But a bit too good. Surely an anvil should come hurtling out of the sky right about now.
  
• The anvil of salary reduction perhaps? The anvil of we'll make you do the same work for less, Suckerrrr.
• Oh no you didn't: give me the puzzle book version of the book I just ordered…

soy paper

28 October

Today I:

• Soy paper. How BRILLIANT is that?! They think of everything!
• 15.21. Juic-ayyy!
• Attempted to travel incognito to a certain tower that lies directly next to a certain public building. I even drove a nonsensical way just to lose my tail! I get to the entrance and BOOM! Cover is blown. Trying to ignore the awful truth, I put my head down but when the lift stops on 12, BOOM! There you are again. When I leave, BOOM! Cover blown by someone else. I just hope ignoring you all meant you didn't notice me.

catalog shops

26 October

Today I:

• Checked out just how easy It’s so easy is.
• They don't have cool sleeping bags for kids though.
  

this will send you to sleep

25 October

Today I:

• Collected foliage.

exclusive microgrooved teeth of tempered steel

24 October

Today I:

• Blades of steel: Assy 2000 pulls away the nits from the hair and, additionally, injures them at different points with its “exclusive microgrooved teeth of tempered steel”

garlic, the pecker perker

23 October

Today I:

• Happy 33 Jo!
• Thinking about: I say sod the garden hire a yacht and sail around the world!
• Who’s not replying STRAIGHT! AWAY! Now, ah, sucker?!
• Iron is crashing, iron is crashing! Mayday mayday.
• Things I can do while waiting for a topic to load:
  1. unravel phone cord
  2. create a wiki page
  3. read multiple dooce entries
  4. check gmail for reply regarding email to brother
  5. update this log
  6. Have fun with The best Title drop down list on the net!
  7. Can laugh out loud
  8. Can create random wiki pages with nobody noticing…
  9. wrote email
  10 replied to emails
• Spilt soda water all over my schnitzel dammit.
• Am ANTM-challenged tonight because my HOT is pixilated because aliens are trying to race their saucers around the HOT station. Every now and then I hear them scream in a blip of “run to the light, Kaitlin” digitalized soundbites.

rudefood

22 October

Today I:

• Snapshot Pilates: Did not find all of the exercises hard. Just the legs at 45 degree angle ones.
• Threw my brother a curveball heavily-laden subtext comment.
• Kept thinking it is Sunday!
• Had to handle bitsuists who like to bounce!
• Oh no you didn’t: lash out at my work.
• Things I can do while waiting for a topic to load:
  1. file nails
  2. create a wiki page
  3. read multiple dooce entries
  4. check gmail for reply regarding email to brother
  5. update this log
  6. looked up Keanu Reeves in Wikipedia
  7. looked up jus sanguinis in Wikipedia
  8. looked up jus soli in Wikipedia
  9. googled birth tourism
  10. booked a trip to Eilat
  11. wrote email
  12. felt increasing concern for the people who walk past me and must think all I ever do is surf the internet. Of course, they’d be right, but not for the reasons they think!
  13. replied to emails
  14. discussed color correction
  

• Lunchtime titters by THIS persimmon:
  
  ©Steven.

Succah

concrete plans

21 October

Today I:

• Saw very cool mountains in the desert
• Saw very cool fish at Coral Beach
• Saw that I will say yes to the trip to Eilat next week

Oh, this was so interesting...

19 October

Today I:

• Started an internet discussion that prompted cyber strangers to call me unreasonable.
• Oh no you didn’t: just send me an email about proper disposal of kitchen oil.
• Swelled my stomach up to the size of a small boat.
• Had the Helena Rubenstein of my month.

the gorillagram

16 October

Today I:

• I accidentally taught the kids to call him a gorilla. They have no qualms about saying (proudly) "My dad's a gorilla". Guilty. As. Charged.
• Dan Eilat here I come! We tried to get in at 7am one morning years ago after being thrown out of Egypt and losing all of michael's money in an illegal lopsided banked casino, but this time we will arrive at a normal hour, with no didn't-sleep-all-night grey shadows on our jaws, and party til 10pm when the moaning kids will force us to go up to our rooms. Oh! The glamour.
• My dad once asked me how I put myself in my writing. This is how I come out in my writing: Choose predefined image settings to set all image settings in one foul swoop. Succinct, to the point, and ultimately replaced with something serious.
• Am conducting research in order to be the official bloger for Tel Aviv's swinging scene: “It’s not that we scorch the sheets every night, but lately we were thinking of mixing things up”
• 1.32 PM. Did youth teach me nothing? What did I think? Getting in at 1am, at work at 6am wouldn’t catch up with me?

even if she were alive it would have been wierd

15 October (Morning after succot)

• Me happy I decided to move the zula succah furnishings inside.
• Me devastated that my repurposed Caspion book pages paper chains were RUINED by torrential downpour reserved by the Lord Almighty especially for succot.
• Headline that you don't see everyday (thanks Patti!).
• Discovered that I know somebody whose dead grandmother came into bed with them one night…and they just went to sleep.

if you build it

14 October (Succot morning)

• Humidity rating: off the charts.
• 4 half-naked papouchubbies assemble succah.

dedication wo wo dedication

13 October (Monday before Succot)

• 1am: Mike climbs the 8 floors from the parking to our house 4 times carrying the blessed poles that will not fit in the lift.
• 11am: Mike receives bacon-saving sms from the country club and is able to smugly silence nagging wife and tell her to go to the country to pick up palm branches for the roof of the succah.
• 12am: Wife drives home at 20kmh with 10 freshly cut palm branches strapped to the roof of her RunX, 2 branches of tmarim* in the boot, and 2 kids in the backseats with fully wide open windows she forgot to put seat belts on. But at least the palms were securely fastened.
  
• 3pm: Mike comes home from work and experiences succah déjà vu by climbing the 8 floors twice with palm branches before getting smart and folding the remaining 5 branches in 2 and squashing them by nook and by crook into the lift.

* tmarim = dates

wild west

12 October (Sunday before Succot)

• Tenants finally answer phone. Tenants ask us to have friends who left to live in England send an SMS ishur* for us TO TAKE OUR OWN POLES.
• OUR OWN POLES!
• AN ISHUR FOR OUR OWN POLES!!
• As if we would call first to steal succah poles!

* ishur = permission/clearance

it doesn't rain over here

11 October (Saturday before Succot)

• Spoke to friends who left to live in England. They complained about the weather. We waxed lyrical about gorgeousness of weather and how we can see 10 miles out to sea from our kitchen window and that there are at least 40 sail boats on the sea. Oh, and did we mention how blue that sea is? And can we please have our succah poles? Give us the number of your tenants. Tenants do not answer phone.

that was my idea

10 October (Friday before Succot)

• Decision made to build succah. Identified showstopper: poles at house of friends who left to live in England.

Kipulations

8-9 October, Yom Kippers:

1. Did I fast? YES, mm I fasted between the pizza, chocolate, special K, tea, cake, fried halomi, pasta, salads, pita, cake, cookies, etc
2. Erev: children went to sleep at 5pm.
3. Erev II: mike went to sleep at 8pm.
4. Internet and Sex in the City Movie. Totally un-amused (I now know why I never followed more than half of one episode), apart from the moment where Samantha sees Miranda's bikini line and says "Honey, you can't blame "married". I could be on death row and never have that situation".
5. Boker: children woke up at 5am.
6. Boker, after 2 hours of BBC prime Balamory, Tikabilla, Big cook little cook (welcome to our café!): went out with a bike and a coquinet.
7. Boker: 60 seconds after leaving front of building: me pushing bike and holding the damned coquinet.
8. Boker: Went to the token arab friends house, ate, all went to other friends house, ate
9. Afternoon: 5 hours and lots of food later, walked back home with tired 20 kilo potato sack on shoulders.
10. Later, that afternoon: Lower back thrown out.
11. Even later that afternoon: Stagger home to chirpy fasting husband who has slept 18 hours, and played computer games for 3.
12. Later still that afternoon: Pack son off to bet Knesset with husband.
13. Even later still that afternoon (what the hell? Will this day never end?): Remain at home to hobble around tidying up nuclear fallout area known as MY HOUSE.
14. Shofar. About. Effing. Time.

15. Eat finishing meal with husband, kids and mother-in-law who brings her trusty corn quiche that I have never loved but am obliged to eat some of.

167-168

7 October

Today I:

• Had the world opened to me in the form of the keeper.

underexposed

6 October

Today I:

• Have a fuzzy head.
• Oh yes you did:

1. stay quiet when I lie through my teeth.
2. say “I love money” deliciously.