all i want for christmas is my two front teeth. And other silly christmas songs.

Today I cracked open the advent calendars, put the flashing lights on the tree, and listened to the worst collection of xmas songs ever: "CHILDREN's XMAS PARTY". Why children should massacre Wizzard's I wish it could be xmas everyday with their bastard angelic voices is a crime I will never wrap my head around. As far as the music industry's concerned, it falls somewhere between American Idol and Mariah Carey's dress sense. Hell, its more worthy of going to court over than George Michael wincing out of his contract with Sony, but when was there ever sweet justice in this world?

Anyway, the singing kids started on butchering little donkey. Not literally of course. For those of you unfamiliar or rusty on your carols, the hymn is a dedication to the donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem. The song idolises the little donkey, and gives it encouragement to keep plodding on the road (don't give up now little donkey!). One line even goes so far as to say little donkey little donkey had a heavy day.

Now I know that the distance between Nazareth and Bethlehem is not to be sniffed at, but EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Little donkey had a heavy day! Awww, poor little donkey. Plodding along a dusty road! With a heavy load! Probably like every day of his damned miserable life in -1BC. Or are you implying that Mary rather packed on the pounds during pregnancy? Did the songwriter ever stop for a moment to think about Mary? 9 months pregnant, has to travel to a far off town for a stupid census?! On a donkey! Have you ever stopped to think how hard that must've been? There was no cvish 6* back then, baby! That woman deserves a medal! Where's her song?

Then I got me to thinking...how many carols are actually about Mary? Where's Mary's giving birth in a barn with no epidural hymn? Why does good king Wencelas get a song for looking out of the bloody window and Mary gets nothing for pushing the son of God down her birth canal?! Even mummy, the slut with an old fat man fetish got a carol when she was seen kissing santa claus underneath the mistletoe. Not to mention frosty the snowman, rudolph the red nose reindeer, or the three kings of orient are, what ever that means. They all got their 15 minutes.

But not Mary. The best she got was being called "mild" (Once in Royal David's City). Mild! It's just not right by Mary. Now, I have no musical talent to speak of, but I'm sure someone can rustle something up for poor old Mary. Something to the tune of Ding Dong Merrily on High perhaps:
Puu-U-u-u-u-u-U-u-u-u-u-u-U-u-u-u-u-u-U-u-u-u-u-u-U-u-u-u-u-u-U-uu-sh! The baby's head is crown-ing!


*cvish 6: Israel's super-fast toll road. You get on there and its like a time tunnel. Vooooom! 20 minutes and you're in Afula.