so outta here

Somebody big left last week (voluntarily) (we think). There is a certain etiquette in leaving that is often not observed by leavers. Here's what you should do if you are leaving your place of work:

1. Money collection. You want to leave with a good present. The present is going to be the trophy of your time at the company so if you get something you're not into, its going to mean you had a bad employment experience. Make sure you get somebody good to collect your money. Ideally, someone who liked you, and is dedicated to the cause (i.e. will send out 2 if not 3 email reminders—maybe even walk around the office with a chink-chink of change, will tell people who ask what the "going rate" is the highest amount given, and most importantly who will ask you what you want). Don't be wishy washy about what you want. Aim high.
   
2. Drink. Schedule a half hour. Nobody is going to diss off work for an hour for you. You're outta here. Timing is important: a 10.30 am late breakfast on the day you leave is optimal. The drink is more than a drink. It's your way of saying: this is who I am and why you're going to miss me. That's why serving dark chocolate cake and strawberries looks good. And why serving in-house catering looks nasty. Extra brownie points for homemade stuff.
3. Speech. Hopefully you've had good bosses who will give you a good speech. If not, they might drone on forever about the company and then give you some formula of thanks for all your hard work. Avoid making everyone in the room say something about you. Not a good look. Then it's your turn. Almost every speech I hear inspires me to mentally start writing my own. Mine has changed over the years, but it would have been so great to leave about 100 times and used every draft. Most people give the saccharin speech: I've learnt so much from all of you, this is a really great place to work. BARF! Two great speeches I've attended stand out in my mind. One chap gave his guidelines for getting by in the workplace, eg. smile at everyone (and mean it!) and sing out loud. The other girl gave a list of things from THE EXPERIMENT that had prompted her decision to leave. EG. "They took away the swap shop--I'm leaving!" "They took away my room--I'm leaving!" We were all pissing ourselves!
   
4. Final email. This tool is often used in place of the drink by people who got fired. It tends to be a soppy "farewell, my friends" email. It is also used by people leaving of their own accord as a here are my new contact details email. Only the best ones will contain phrases like "great springboard to world domination", "leaving to pursue my dream as a (well-known airline) pilot", references to Elton John, and "I won't miss you. Die, suckers!"